ECNS is excited to introduce monthly SmartTalks with school director, Wendy Levey, and child and family therapist, Michelle Ascher Dunn. Please email any questions you would like addressed to smarttalks@ecns.org.

 

Chapter 3

Question 1:

When do children understand about saying sorry? Our three year old says sorry because we have taught her to say it, but I really do not believe that she understands the meaning. Is it too early to be teaching this as a value?

Michelle:
It is never too young to introduce manners and kindness into your child's life. Even if she does not really understand the meaning of sorry now, she will soon. And think how good you and she will feel when both the words and the meaning are there. That usually happens at about four or so.  At that point children can often negotiate polite interactions on their own if they have been fortunate enough to have parents who began nice and early.

Wendy:
The hope is that saying the words leads to feeling the emotion genuinely.  The trick is not to immediately allow a child to return to whatever they were doing that required giving an apology so that there is some connection. 

 

Question 2:

Our 5 year old daughter will not speak up when talking to any adults other than us, her parents. She hides behind us, whispers if she has to say hello to anyone, even her grandparents, and will not really speak in class. Is it appropriate to give punishments for rudeness like this, or is this normal and should we ignore it?

Michelle:
Frankly, this is a bit concerning.  Most children are past hiding and shyness at this level at this age.  After you have spoken to your pediatrician, it might be wise to ask for the name of a specialist in child development for a well-child check up.  You do not want to have missed something important, especially when she is young enough to be helped.

Wendy:
Try puppets, sometimes children just need help with casual conversation ideas.  If you can’t make any progress, definitely talk to your pediatrician and see a language specialist.   

 

Question 3:

My four year old will not let me speak on the phone. She constantly interrupts me and if I try to tell her to wait, she tries to grab the phone. Otherwise she is great and well behaved.

Michelle:
She may be great the other 23 hours of the day, but that behavior is not great, and it has to go.  Ask yourself the following question: "Am I on the phone when my daughter has not seen me for several hours?"  If so, then try not to use the phone at those times. However, if this is just rude repetitive interrupting, there needs to be a new sheriff in town.  Not good for her to boss the mom, even if she is competing for your ear.

Wendy:
Talking on the phone endlessly when you are with your child is guaranteed to make them angry.  On the other hand, you are entitled to some grownup conversation when you do need to take calls.  Use a sand timer or kitchen timer and set it for 3-5 minutes; tell your child that when the sand has run out or the timer goes off, he or she will have your total attention. 

 

 

Question 4:

Our two and a half year old pushes us away whenever he is with our nanny. He seems to prefer her when she is in the same space as we are.  As soon as she leaves, he is fine and bonded to us.  Should we worry?

Michelle:
Not to worry.  At two and a half, three may be a crowd and too many beloved people to choose from in a room. How lucky that you have chosen a nanny who has won his heart. Be happy. The more people who love him whom he loves back, the richer his spirit will be.

Wendy:
When children spend so much time with their caregiver, the bond is often significant.  This is a terrific thing as long as they share the same values.  Be sure that your caregiver is clear on what is important to you, i.e. manners, or playdate protocol, or discipline.  

 

Question 5:

We are about to move to another city. How should we prepare our four year old and even our six year old?  We have lived in the same apartment since they were born. 

Michelle:
Moving is all about preparation, and telling young children is no different.  Since a four year old cannot really imagine what moving really means, best to let them visit the new house, new city, and even new school neighborhood gently and slowly if possible. Children do best when they can imagine the future as positive and manageable. This goes for six year olds as well. You can also help them to pack special things from the "old" apartment that will be unpacked first.  This way there is a natural continuity between past and present.

Wendy:
Moving is easy for children, complicated for mothers!  Children will always have school to “network” socially, moms have a much harder job, but they too can use their children’s social network to meet people.  Children need love and their parents and they’re good to go!